Why did we choose to do this? It's so so hard and it's not going to get easier for a long time. I want to be me again and enjoy free time. Instead I feel like a prisoner! It shouldn't feel like that should it? Do all jobs feel like that? I want to be Jenny again! Every day I feel incapable of doing my job properly. Not enough time in the day, demotivated learners. inability to finish anything properly. I don't want to give in, but it would be ok if I did wouldn't it? I'll go for as long as I can.

start of week 4

It's Sunday night and I've spent at least five and a half hours of today planning. Planning four lessons! Ha ha. I'm waiting for the day when it takes just ten minutes per lesson.

I've been feeling quite positive today~ I don't know, I think teaching Japanese at the college on Friday really lifted my spirits and reminded me of the reasons why I decided to do this job. They were just excellent. They did what they were supposed to do, they laughed and had a good time. They left the room being able to do their self-introduction in Japanese. This is what I want! People who learn and want to learn and don't think I'm a pile of you-know-what.

The start of the week is always hell. Monday to Wednesday is pretty manic. So I'm dreading tomorrow even though it's Sunday and officially the weekend and so dread-free. Supposedly.

We're told to prioritise and do only the things that really need doing. But in my eyes I'm only doing what is necessary. Without doing what I'm doing my lessons would be more of a shambles and I wouldn't be fulfilling my job description.

I'm hanging in there. I'm trying to see the positives because I've committed myself and I'm not the kind to let people down. I just feel kind of solitary at the moment. School, home, my desk. Weekends to look forward to but that always end too quickly. I like spontaneity and randomness but it's impossible these days. Oh I shouldn't complain. There must be a million people who'd want to be in my position. Perhaps I'm too selfish and used to having everything I want that I am unable to come to grips with this new lifestyle. I resent it but I know I shouldn't. I should be embracing every minute and giving myself completely to these kids. I'm trying to and sometimes I do but I don't know if I can forever. I can only think of tomorrow right now.

wish you were here

I've been listening to Pink Floyd~~

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


~~I want to listen to them more. Why have I never before?

うなずきん

I need one of these! Check out Alan Lubin's blog.

R.E. and other thoughts

Well it's the end of the first week and what a long, long week indeed it's been. I feel like I've been thrown into a big sea of water not being able to swim, just trying to keep my head above the surface. I've survived, but I don't know if what I've done is right or wrong, whether I'm too lenient a teacher, too soft, too inexperienced to be given such responsibility. The only thing that keeps me going is that if I can survive this first week of being a teacher, or at least if I can make it through till Christmas still sane, then I can do anything. And I'm not just saying that. This has felt like the hardest week of my whole life and I think it'll get worse before it gets any better.

What makes me laugh (not much made me laugh this week, only cry) is that I have to teach R.E. Yes, R.E. as in Religious Education. Apparently I had one extra free on my timetable so I've been roped into that. Thankfully I don't have to plan anything since it's all done for me, but what a joke! The school should spare a thought for the time it takes me to travel to the local colleges and primary schools! But the harder it is this year, the better equipped I will be to survive this 'job'. This probably isn't the place for me to moan about this but I am doing anyway.

I want to sleep for a long time tonight and close off the bit in my brain that makes me think about teaching so that I don't get that feeling in my tummy that keeps me awake.

Honest, it's probably not all that bad. It's just that that it feels like absolute hell at the moment!

And I miss Sheffield. It's true, it's the best place to be! (R, you'll see!)

i'm still here

I've been absent from this blog for a while now due to internet complications in the new place. It's ok now, but no thanks to BT.

It's only the Wednesday of this year and already I've wanted to give up and run away but I'm still here trying to find my way through this muddle. (So far this is the longest week of my life.) Big GROAN.

However, I keep thinking back to the weekend when life wasn't so crazy and I saw Volver at last and played the guitar and ate Chinese (food). And back to last week relaxing in the spa at Centerparcs (very unexpectedly!)

I'll try and be more creative when I find the time.